People in love make me want to vomit
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
