I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
