somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
