Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
