fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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