The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
