Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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