Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Pants are for mortals
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
