Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize