Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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