hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
