Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
