All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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