Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
