i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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