i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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