You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
