Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
