Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
