Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
