I met the friendliest cop last night
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize