so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
