i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
