Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
