Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
