im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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