He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize