She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Sorry my hands just texted you
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
