you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
