If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
