Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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