Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize