He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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