I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize