my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
