Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
