So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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