She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
