Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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