So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's rum buckets o'clock
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
