Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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