Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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