Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize