Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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