You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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