I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
