He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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