where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
