So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
bring money and cleavage
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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