Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
