running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
