NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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