There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
