My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
