So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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