You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
