Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
