You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
