i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
