hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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