I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
