I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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