Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
